I put away a bunch of feelings and thoughts that I had accumulated over the last 4 1/2 years. Remember, because I couldn't ever talk to you about my feelings? Yea, they were stuck somewhere behind my heart, I think. I pushed them away and away until I couldn't feel anymore. YOU did that to me. I was finally emptying out my last box this weekend and all those thoughts and feelings suddenly reappeared when I found a journal that I used to write in at night. That journal never made me feel bad about the things I said. It never made me ashamed or embarrassed when a tear would fall off my cheek. It never yelled, "Why are you crying", when really, all I wanted was someone to hug me. I was reading some pages out of that journal and realized that almost everything in there, was something negative about you. I would always ask it, "Why is he so mean to me? Why does he talk to me like I'm dirt? Why doesn't he ever act like he appreciates me?" I couldn't ask YOU those things. I take that back. I tried. Over and over you told me that you couldn't change. Several times you told me that if I left you, you wouldn't care because, "I have so many girls that want me." You made me feel bad about myself. I could never do enough to make you happy and to make you nice to me all the time. You were always against me. You never took my side. I felt like we were never on the "same team". Remember when you would be asleep and I accidentally made a noise? You yelled at me, or said "ssssshhhhhhhh" really loud. You always made me drive everywhere. You never wanted to really marry me, I know that. I can still hear the mean, hurtful, horrible things you said to me when you were drunk. 3 times. Things so horrible, I couldn't even repeat to my Mom. I know you don't remember them and what was it that you said the next day? "It's not like I hit you or anything like that. It's not even that bad." I don't know why I stayed with you for as long as I did. I guess I was scared.
You had your days. You could be super nice one day but I think as soon as you realized how nice you were being, you quickly started acting hateful again. You were good to me at birthdays and any other holiday that involved giving me something. I wish that you would have been good to me all 365 days a year, instead of just those days. I'm not saying that all 4 1/2 years were absolutely horrible. But for the most part, they were not good.
I don't know if you still read this or not. If you do, maybe you will take something from this and it will make you a better partner in your next relationship. You can be a great boyfriend, if you really wanted to be.
I have someone now that appreciates me, all the time. I have someone that lets me talk about my feelings. I have someone that isn't afraid to tell me he loves me, even if it's 10 minutes after he already said it. He doesn't "assume" that I know. He makes sure I know. I have someone who never makes me feel bad about myself. I have someone who is 100% on my "team", and not against me. I can finally, honestly say, that I am in love with my best friend. Because best friends don't make you feel the way you made me feel-ever.
I hope you find the same.
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3 peeps said....:
Oh sweets. I think every girl goes through that terrible guy... the one who doesn't appreciate them, uses them, takes them for granted. I'm so glad you're through it now and in such a better place! Hugs and smooches.
I'm feeling what you feel right now, with the difference of me still being in the relationship. Tough, really. Seeing your confidence just tumblong down like that. You will heal, I promise, take your time. You're too good to be feeling awful.
I'm glad you finally have someone who appreciates you and treats you right!!!
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