I Still Need Her

There is something about me that I haven't ever shared. And I say "about me" because your family is what makes you for the most part, right?

I have an awesome Mom. Seriously, she is such a good Mom. She didn't work when we were little so that she could stay home with us. She made us eat a healthy breakfast and we weren't allowed to eat a lot of sugar or sodas. We hated that then, but now I understand why. It was because she cared about us. She gives the best advice, and she is honest. And she is so kind to everyone she meets. She is compassionate for people she doesn't even know, and she never judges anyone.

When I was in the third grade, I liked this boy. His name was Joey English. My Mom was going to come eat lunch with me in the cafeteria (yuck) and I asked her to please wear the pretty scarf in her hair. She would always wear these scarfs in her soft blonde hair, and I thought she was sooo pretty (because she is) and I guess I thought that the boy would like me more if he saw how pretty my Mom was. Silly little third grader.

Anyway, about the part that I haven't ever shared with you. My Mom also happens to be a recovering alcoholic. She's been to rehab 4 times. When all of this happened it was so weird for us, because my Mom never drank when we were younger. It was when me and my brothers moved out, it started. She has stayed sober on and off over the last 3 years or so. There have been times when I really would have liked to slap her across the face. She's put my Dad through a lot of hard times as well as me and my brothers.

Yesterday, apparently, she went and got something to drink and she fell in the drive way and hit her head on my Dad's truck. My Grandma couldn't wake her up so she had to call an ambulance. Once she got to the hospital, they did a CT scan, just to make sure she didn't hurt herself.

They found a tumor.

My Mom has a tumor in her head. I am freaking out and I'm scared and I don't know what to do or think, because this is my Mom. I need her here for a lot longer. I need her to be here when I get married. And when I have a baby, because God knows, I won't know what to do. I need her to be ok. She goes to the Doctor again tomorrow, so hopefully there will be more information. But until then, I am freaking out. You know how people always say "everything happens for a reason"? Well maybe it was a good thing that she got drunk and hit her head so that she could have the scan. I don't know. I just know that I still need her.

The One Where I'm In A Mood

This morning when I got to work, my supervisor asked if we had heard about our Mayor. Apparently, he had run off to Mexico with his illegal partner. He was the best Mayor this town has ever had, and I'm pretty sure everyone knew he was gay. He said that he left because he knew by his partner being here, it was illegal, and he didn't feel right about it. So imagine all the hateful comments and horrible things people are saying about him. Even though, everyone knows he was a damn good Mayor. I heard someone say, "You know, even though he was gay, he was still a good Mayor." Hmm. Ok. Even though he was gay. I can hear in the office next door the jokes that are being made about him. Why do people think it's ok? Why is it funny?

And then, of course you have American Idol. I'm willing to bet if Adam wasn't gay, he would have won. He was an excellent singer. Not to say that Kris wasn't, but I just have a strong feeling that because of Adam's lifestyle, that's why he didn't win.

Maybe I should have started this post out differently.

Hi world. I would like to introduce you to one of my best friends. The funniest, most hysterical, would do anything for you, outgoing and lovable person I know, my brother Josh. Who, also, happens to be gay. I love him, so much, that I find myself taking up for every gay person out there when someone says something hateful. I love him, so much, that I find myself in tears, while screaming at a guy I used to work with for saying horrible things to another guy at work that happened to be gay. I love him so much, that I am writing a post, all for him. A lot of sisters don't have a close relationship with their brothers. I do. I am so thankful for that. I just get so tired of hearing close minded people saying things that really, they shouldn't have ever let leave their mouths.

I love you Joshie. You are what other people should strive to be. You are so smart, so funny and so friendly. I can't imagine my life without you. Even though you are gay.

How Could He?

I was missing him a lot, so I called him to see what he was doing. I'm eating dinner with (insert girl name here). I stopped driving and pulled over to the side of the road. Oh, ok. Well I guess I will let you go then. OK, bye, he said. I sat there for a moment so confused as to what was going on. How could he be at dinner with someone else, someone that he used to date? What did I do? He didn't even say I love you. I drove around wondering how this could have happened to me. I thought he loved me. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

Then I woke up. Blue Eyes was still all snugly and warm, still holding my hand and laying beside me, and all was right in my world again.

Sometimes I really hate dreams.


Oh and seriously, if you live in Granbury and you read my blog, DAILY, won't you please leave me a comment and tell me who you are? Pretty please???

Letter To The @$$hole that took 4 1/2 Years From Me

Dear @$$hole:

I put away a bunch of feelings and thoughts that I had accumulated over the last 4 1/2 years. Remember, because I couldn't ever talk to you about my feelings? Yea, they were stuck somewhere behind my heart, I think. I pushed them away and away until I couldn't feel anymore. YOU did that to me. I was finally emptying out my last box this weekend and all those thoughts and feelings suddenly reappeared when I found a journal that I used to write in at night. That journal never made me feel bad about the things I said. It never made me ashamed or embarrassed when a tear would fall off my cheek. It never yelled, "Why are you crying", when really, all I wanted was someone to hug me. I was reading some pages out of that journal and realized that almost everything in there, was something negative about you. I would always ask it, "Why is he so mean to me? Why does he talk to me like I'm dirt? Why doesn't he ever act like he appreciates me?" I couldn't ask YOU those things. I take that back. I tried. Over and over you told me that you couldn't change. Several times you told me that if I left you, you wouldn't care because, "I have so many girls that want me." You made me feel bad about myself. I could never do enough to make you happy and to make you nice to me all the time. You were always against me. You never took my side. I felt like we were never on the "same team". Remember when you would be asleep and I accidentally made a noise? You yelled at me, or said "ssssshhhhhhhh" really loud. You always made me drive everywhere. You never wanted to really marry me, I know that. I can still hear the mean, hurtful, horrible things you said to me when you were drunk. 3 times. Things so horrible, I couldn't even repeat to my Mom. I know you don't remember them and what was it that you said the next day? "It's not like I hit you or anything like that. It's not even that bad." I don't know why I stayed with you for as long as I did. I guess I was scared.

You had your days. You could be super nice one day but I think as soon as you realized how nice you were being, you quickly started acting hateful again. You were good to me at birthdays and any other holiday that involved giving me something. I wish that you would have been good to me all 365 days a year, instead of just those days. I'm not saying that all 4 1/2 years were absolutely horrible. But for the most part, they were not good.

I don't know if you still read this or not. If you do, maybe you will take something from this and it will make you a better partner in your next relationship. You can be a great boyfriend, if you really wanted to be.

I have someone now that appreciates me, all the time. I have someone that lets me talk about my feelings. I have someone that isn't afraid to tell me he loves me, even if it's 10 minutes after he already said it. He doesn't "assume" that I know. He makes sure I know. I have someone who never makes me feel bad about myself. I have someone who is 100% on my "team", and not against me. I can finally, honestly say, that I am in love with my best friend. Because best friends don't make you feel the way you made me feel-ever.

I hope you find the same.

Failure

I am such a failure!!!

If you will recall, my company started that 6 week weight loss crap totally awesome fundraiser. I am doing HORRIBLE! Let's just discuss how this is going. Every Tuesday morning, I wake up and make sure I have absolutely nothing to eat or drink until I have weighed in. Right before I walk in to weigh, I pee. Because, you know, every ounce counts. The first weigh in was good. I lost .4lbs. Nothing to be real excited about. Second weigh in. Not so good. I gained 1.7lbs. Whoops. "Too many drinks on the River Walk", I said. Third weigh in. Son of a beeeeeeep. I gained 1.4lbs. I didn't have an excuse this time. I cannot afford to pay for every damn pound I gain, so I have a new plan.

Bulimia.

I'm kidding of course. Eating disorders are not something I would ever joke about. I have a very dear friend who suffered from this and it's really heartbreaking to see any woman resort to it. But, weight loss challenges like this really aren't good for women. I leave that room after I weigh in hating myself more than I did when I went in there. And when I say "hating myself", I don't mean I have suicidal thoughts and want to end my life. I mean, I really hate that I am gaining back the weight that I lost after the break-up.

So I say a big Screw You to chocolate, red meat, chips and sodas. SCREW YOU. You will not get the best of me with your tastiness. (except if I get candy for v-day. i don't want to waste it)

Anyone have any helpful ideas?!?!?!

MonDayDreams- Chapter 1

Well it's Monday. Hooo rah.

Monday's usually consist of me doing the following:

NOTHING.
NADA.
ZIP.
ZILCH.

I honestly don't really start "working" until Wednesday afternoon. What? I'm just being honest here. So, while I was sitting at my desk, pretending to work, I was thinking about when I was in Junior High. That was only, oh...15 years ago. Whew.

Ok. I just had to take a minute to stop and realize just how old I am. Wow.

So anyhooters. Junior High. The worst time of my LIFE. I don't want to toot my own horn or anything (toot, toot!) but I was popular. I was cute. I was friendly. I had an older boyfriend. I was in the 6th grade, and he was in the 8th grade and it was a big deal! So apparently, the older girls hated me for this and they wanted to make sure that every day of my 6th grade year was the most miserable, dreadful thing for me. Let's just say they did a very, very good job at this. For anyone that really knows me, they know that I am honestly a very sweet girl, and I just want to be liked! I hate confrontation more than anything because I'm a huge baby.

Every morning before class started, all the students stood outside by the Art room. My Mom would drop me off, and I would look around to see if the evil beeotches were anywhere near. If they were, I would walk in the complete opposite direction of where they were standing and I would try so hard to hurry so they couldn't see me. They always did though. They would yell mean things at me and I had to act like I couldn't hear them. If they saw me in the hall, they would push me or stare me down. I tried to be nice to them. I smiled but that usually resulted in a "What the %$#@ are you looking at?!?!?!" I also played softball and the mean horrible girls played too. Thankfully, they were not on my team. I was better than them, and they knew it. (toot, toot) After one game, the meanest girl out of the group walked past me and punched me in the arm leaving a very pretty bruise. This is when my Mom decided it was time to talk to the girls' parents and the principal. I. Was. Mortified. Having my Mom do this helped not one bit. It actually made it worse. What did help was me no longer being with my older boyfriend. This is the time in my life when I realized most girls were jealous, catty and for the most part down right mean. The sad thing is that it should have ended in Junior High. But look around you. How many of these girls are still walking around today?


I wonder if those girls ever think about how ridiculously mean they were to me? Probably not, but oh well.

And now this begins Chapter 1 of Breezy's "MonDayDreams" (get it? Monday Daydreams..thank you B.E. for that clever little play on words). Stay tuned..next Monday is a whole new daydream!!

How is your Monday going???

It Will Go Away, Right?

I saw Felix yesterday for the first time since we broke up. When I saw him, I instantly remembered the first time I met him. The last 4 1/2 years quickly flashed through my mind and I questioned whether or not I had made the right decision. How do you know for sure? All I could think about was the first time we went out. We went to his cousin's for a party. He held my hand and I was so happy. Then he said the words that I teased him about during our entire relationship. "I'm ready to kiss you now." I loved teasing him about that. He would get embarrassed and smile, with his cute dimples showing. I really thought that we would get married one day, and like I told him, if we are really supposed to be together, then we will be. I don't know if a long break is what I need to realize that or not, but I had to try something.

We both cried and hugged and I can honestly say it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. When I left, he held up his hand and did the "I love you" sign. He used to do that all the time in the beginning of our relationship. It killed me. I cried all night. I also told him he could have Rowdy. I can't even type that without getting a huge knot in my throat. I love that damn dog so much and I told him he could have him. He said I could see him whenever I want. But what about the fact that he doesn't even know if he is going to stay in San Angelo? I know it's silly, because it's just a dog. But Rowdy isn't JUST a dog to me. Anyway, enough about that.

My new house is pretty cool. I'm living with my friend Brandon and his friend Mike. We have fun. We laugh A LOT, which is exactly what I need right now. What I don't need? The huge mess in my bedroom because I have no where to put anything! I really hope to have all that cleaned up by this weekend. I also hope to blog everyday, because it does make me feel a little bit better about what's going on in my life right now. So thanks to the 2 or 3 of you reading this. You are probably bored to death, but thank you anyway!

Now that I have tears streaming down my cheeks, and every man I work with is acting awkward, trying not to look me in the eyes, I better go. Wait, one more thing. The pain will go away, right?

Toodles

Sadness

Ahh.

Monday. Time to start blogging again.

Friday was a very hard day for me. After 4 1/2 years together, I ended my relationship with Felix. For a long time, I haven't been happy, and I knew that this is what I needed to do. Do I miss him? A little bit, yes. Do I think this was the best decision for me, right now in my life? Yes, I do. I feel horrible that I did this to him. I never wanted to hurt him, I just wanted to be happy. I thought it would actually help me to write this, but it has filled my heart back up with sadness.

I hope everyone has a great week.

<3 And Felix, if you ever read this again, please know that I love you, and I will always love you. If we are meant to be, we will find our way back to each other again one day. <3